Ela -
neverending light
I think two are enough
for a single pain
out there it is always dark
inside we keep the silence
nothing in center
nothing more than red islands
me without me
you without you
living in ironic waves
from the beginning to the end
of death
so just let me write
on a tear of angel
a neverending light
Lingua:
Comentarii
Oriana -
The repetition of some words may be unnecessary, for is taking away the focus from the really important verses: "just" in verse #2 and #12, "of" in consecutive verses #9,10,11. If I were you I would use "in-between" or "amidst" instead of "nothing in center". If nothing is in-between, then the next verse seems a bit awkward: "nothing more than". Something seems to be missing in the verse "inside we keep the silence", the verb "to keep" is usually accompanied by other word. The final three verses are excellent!
Ela -
Thanks, Oriana, you are right, perfectlly right. I will modify as soon as possible. And I hope you will come back on my english page, because these are my first poetries - written directly in english -, so I really need help. :)
Ela -
Oriana, I made some changes. To clarify. But I will keep "nothing in center/nothing more than..." because this is the ideea. The repetition there is a continuation, something that could give a sense. Because it is something in-between, and I chose to build in this way the transition between two spaces with 2 centres. But I hope next time I will write more clearly.
Aranca -
Cred că Orianei nu i-a sunat bine inversiunea din versul al patrulea, we keep the silence inside, și din versul precedent unde chiar lipsește ceva, IT is always dark out there, inversiuni intenționate ce subliniază ce se întîmplă în segmentul outside-inside.
Ela -
Anca, se accepta in poezie inversiunea aceea. Ca si cea de mai sus cu "out there". Oriana s-a referit la alte versuri. In care am si produs modificari deja. Si, da, voi adauga It, acolo unde ai semnalat. Multumesc.